it’s like a crash course in applying what i learn about (and advise others on) at my job to myself. i hate the therapyspeak but it really is an exercise in self-soothing. in recognizing the protest behaviours. the triggers. the faulty assumptions i’m working off of.
but i’m really excited and really happy about this.
As I sit here to write this, I am devoid of any profound takeaways or overarching themes to assign to 2022. It’s not that nothing happened. On all accounts, it was actually an incredibly eventful year. But in some ways, it feels like all the same stuff. I continue to fall for the wrong people and act out when they behave exactly how one might predict them to. I continue to love running. I continue to advance in my career. I guess the new things about 2022 are that I have had to reckon with some serious changes to my lifestyle due to underlying health conditions that I have only recently become aware of, and I took on the additional challenge of starting graduate school. However, both of these things ultimately push me to be a better person. Particularly graduate school has been the kind of wake up call my brain needed. I can complain all I want about being busy but the reality is that I fucking love it. I love learning statistics and getting a 94% on my assignment and contributing in class discussions and reading articles and actually having takes on them because I’m a real deal professional. It’s been good for my ego, if anything else.
And so I present once more: the annual year in review.
I am conducting an experiment with my running by trying out some aerobic running, based on heart rate. For years, I have run with a watch that tracks my heart rate as I exercise. I have long since understood that my heart rate is higher than it should be while exercising, no matter how physically fit I seem to get. It skyrockets within 30 seconds of starting even a slow jog and usually rests around 175-185bpm. I originally thought my watch must’ve been faulty, but this range remains true across different watches and even chest-strap HR monitors.
Having a high BPM while I run hasn’t stopped me from achieving some pretty ambitious running goals. But I have noticed that after a run, I feel pretty depleted. Anything over 8km is probably going to induce a nap, and lots of running gets me pretty sore.
I learned about the idea of aerobic training a long time ago and have been interested but non-committal about it. The idea is that while I may be physically fit and have good cardio, I am not aerobically fit. My body is not trained in using fat as an energy source rather than glucose or glycogen. Our bodies have way more fat in them than glycogen - so when you’re running on purely glucose it takes more effort to go faster and you run the risk of bonking if you go for too long. It makes sense that I would have virtually no aerobic base. I trained purely as a sprinter for like, thirteen years. I don’t really bike, or swim, or go on walks. I pretty much just run as fast as I can every day. My anaerobic system is a well-oiled machine. But that can only take you so far.
So I am committing to a month (minimum) of purely heartrate-based training. Based on progress after a month, I’ll slowly integrate some more speedwork and tempo work but hoping to keep it mostly aerobic from now until the end of the year. This will come with a sharp increase in mileage, and hopefully I can keep my injured ankle in check with the lower intensity - and we shall see how it goes!
Because I use my watch so frequently, I have a good idea of my resting and maximum heart rates so I didn’t use any specific formula to calculate those (why would you when you can use real data from your own actual body), so my HR zones are as follows:
i am fairly certain nobody reads this anymore. if you do… a) why? and b) this will almost certainly be the final straw you needed to stop doing that. i’m going to use this as a place to track my progress as i embark on a new sort of running training :-) go me
“The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.”
I have never really had to break up with somebody before. Not somebody whose reaction mattered to me the way his does. I underestimated how much it sucks from this side of the situation.
It’s the right thing to do and I hope I am doing it as right as one can. I am trying to learn from my experiences being broken up with. Trying to think of how I wished those experiences had unfolded, and how to show him respect and honesty while still ending this relationship.
It’s hard. I’m sad. But I am also proud of myself, and I am relieved.
2021, the year we all spoke longingly about in 2020 as the year things would be back to normal. How tragically and profoundly naive we were. Needless to say, things are not back to normal. However, despite the global pandemic that rages on around us at all times, it has not stopped 2021 from being a good year. Unfortunately, for a large part of this year the most exciting and all-encompassing (and unhealthy) thing going on in my life was a boy. I really doubt he will ever find this so I’m going to just use his name throughout. I am cringing already at how much space he has taken up in this post, but if I am to provide an accurate reflection of my year it is only fair that it corresponds to how much space he took up in my head. Don’t worry, though (spoilers), he falls off for good about midway through.
January, February, and March
Yes, I am just going to go ahead and combine the first three months of the year into one subheading. That is the kind of year 2021 was. A lot of these winter month days felt like the same day on repeat. They passed by in a monotonous fog of work, stress, and running.
We begin with New Year’s Eve. It… sucked, frankly. The pandemic restrictions were relatively strict at this time so nobody was throwing parties. I spent New Year’s Eve with Alex, just the two of us at my place. His drinking prowess was questionable at best and yet he kept taking shots. Too many shots. He was violently throwing up in my bathroom mere minutes after the clock turned to midnight. He was embarrassed and wouldn’t let me help. I had to just leave two sticks of gum and a glass of water on the edge of the sink and sit awkwardly in the hallway until he emerged and was okay. I tried not to sulk as I thought about the champagne I had excitedly purchased for us when he had asked me to spend the night together sitting in my fridge, untouched. The romantic New Year’s Day sleep-in I had envisioned did not come, either. I cried the minute he left my house on January 1, wishing I had just gotten drunk off cab sauv with my friends on Zoom instead. I didn’t say anything to him but quietly removed him from my social media and vowed that I’d do my best to move on in this new year. I went out on a whole bunch of random dates to try and make myself feel better. I went skating in Bowness Park with this total van-lifer guy who thought Shambhala was an underground, only-for-the-hardcore kinda festival. I still have scars on my ankles from that date because my skates didn’t fit comfortably and I was wearing ankle socks. Anyways, I folded like a house of cards when Alex texted me two weeks later.
Things were strangely good after that. Good enough that I asked him to spend Valentine’s Day together and he agreed, even said he was excited. What followed has got to be one of the biggest Ls I have ever taken in my dating life. I can laugh at it now but god damn, that shit was brutal. I meticulously planned this date. I bought lingerie, I went to the Italian market and bought nice ingredients and good wine for dinner, I got us prosecco and orange juice to have in the ski hill parking lot in the morning. When the day rolled around, there were so many red flags quite literally from the moment I woke up. He texted me to say he had a bit of a cold and was I okay with that if we were spending the day together? Should’ve known. On the drive up, he told me his friends had come by delivering cookies for “all their single buddies”, should’ve known. He brought a handle of Fireball to the hill and demolished it and got weird and drunk and wouldn’t even really wait for me on the slopes. Should’ve known. It wasn’t until the very end of the night, like seconds away from sleep, that he said, “I just want to check that this is as casual for you as it needs to be for me.” We had the most awkward and weird conversation. Just your classic, “well I’m not sleeping with anyone else either but I just am not ready for a relationship right now.” I wanted him out of my house so badly but his skis were everywhere and he was drunk and it was too much work. I slept on the couch in my own damn house and then my stomach got upset from my meal I had made (he was somehow fine). In the morning, he got up at like 5am and left to go skiing with a friend. I remember coming out of my room later that morning and seeing the empty bottle of the nice wine I bought just sitting on my counter and having a split second urge to just smash it all over the floor. I texted him to end it a few days later.
A few non-boy related things did happen in this time period as well. Georgia took me on my very first trail run and it was instant love (also just cool to get to hang out with Georgia, she is amazing). I got to go to Fernie with Maddy for a weekend and the forecast was shit but then it surprised snowed 50cm overnight and we had the most dream ski day ever. I love Maddy with my whole heart.
April
I always look forward to April, it’s my birthday month and the end of the academic year which always brings some relief with my job.
I got a bike for my birthday. It is a purple cruiser bike and it’s so cute. I hosted a beer mile as my birthday celebration. Always been a bucket list item, I recruited some runners and some spectators and we went to Glenmore track to unleash the chaos. There were some actual runners training there when we arrived, we explained to them and their coach what we were planning and promised to stay out of their way and they said omg a beer mile! Can we watch? Of course I said yes. I projectile vomited all over the track after my third lap. A weird way to honour all of the time of my life I have spent at that track. It was so awesome… to run a beer mile but also to have friends who will support you and join you in running a beer mile. Other beer milers included Scott, Rie, Jon, Dylan, Emma, and Lucas. Honourable mention to the ad-hoc “Testosterone Mile” competitors, a last minute event that was thrown together by the boys who had been golfing all day and were certifiably in the bag at the time of the beer mile. Pukers include myself, Lucas, Matt, Josh, and Brodie. Godspeed and happy penalty laps to all.
I also got my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccination.
And as we have come to expect in this world, things imploded once again with Alex at the end of April. We reconnected, as you do when you’re in a shitty weird situationship in a pandemic and instagram is a thing, in the middle of March. I wish I could say it would be the last time, but we are getting there, I promise. He had recently converted his SUV into a little camper van. On a random night at my place while I was lamenting about being stressed about my job, he suggested we go car camping in Waiparous. He said let’s have a fire, do some psychedelics, not have cell service. I was so excited. I haven’t ever really dated anyone who is all outdoorsy and who can just take care of a campsite like that and it was nice to just sit there and drink beers by the fire while he did everything. His little makeshift camper was actually really comfortable and warm despite it being April in Alberta. We dropped a tab of acid each and went mountain biking. We explored in the woods. We watched Inglorious Bastards on his laptop in the car and listened to weird music and fell asleep. It was actually kind of nice. But when he dropped me off at home after three days together, the weirdest feeling came over me. I felt this profound sense of sadness, and frustration, and fear. I feared that I still didn’t know what was going on with us or if I’d ever see him again. I called him to ask and he ended up coming over to #have #the #conversation. I sobbed, like SOBBED the way you do when you’re in your room alone except he was right there witnessing it all. For like two hours and that is unfortunately not an exaggeration. It was a gross, heaving sobs, mascara-running-down-your-cheeks kind of crying. He even cried a little bit, too. It was bad. Shoutout to Kendal for being there for me on this day after he had gone, with the sugar cookies and the prosciutto and the nice Kleenex. Kendal is a good friend who hated this guy from day one and still managed to have compassion when I was devastated about us ending things.
May
May was rough, boys. At least work was dying down a bit, but I was experiencing the torrential type of sad girl hours I had not known since like, 2016. I really have to thank my friends during this time for looking out for me. I was feeling very lonely and sorry for myself. Maddy drove down from Banff for one night to take me to see Shrek at the drive-in movie theatre in the south of the city. Kendal was there for me so hard during this time, too. I feel the love. I also started taking CBD oil to help me with sleep. God bless you, CBD oil.
I was taking a professional development course on harm reduction and social work practice that was really cool.
On May 5, Karla texted me to let me know she and Laszlo had found a place and would be moving at the end of the month. I was unsurprised, given that she had not spent a night at our place since early October, but that also meant I needed to decide on some next moves. I’d known that my living arrangements were a little too-good-to-be-true for a long time but I was still sad to see it go. I decided that I was so accustomed now to living on my own that I didn’t want to chance things with a new roommate, especially one that my landlord would pick out, so I decided I’d just have to pay more and find a place for myself. That didn’t take too long though and I found my cute little studio/1bedroom place in Mission. Shoutout to my parents for helping me with the move, and stress, and last-minute planning.
May 1 also marked the beginning of GVRAT1000K season! My second GVRAT1000K challenge provided a much-needed distraction and a sense of purpose and a reminder of who the fuck I am during a time where I desperately needed those things. The timing worked out quite well. I did some great trail runs in May. Emma and I went out to Bragg Creek, I ran the Across the Nation Run in Isolation a second year in a row and ran a major personal best in my half marathon (under 2 hours for the first time ever!), and Emma, Rie, and I conquered Mount Aylmer as a run. It really truly helped.
The other thing that happened in May was my parents got a new puppy. He is a chihuahua, Pomeranian and Yorkie cross. His name is Rory. He is no Ollie, Ollie will always be number one in my heart and literally no dog can change that ever. He is cute and having a puppy around was also a pleasant distraction during this time of sad girl hours.
June
I moved into my apartment in Mission on June 1. We were in the middle of a crazy heat wave and the moving day was so stressful because Karla was also moving out and we had to coordinate all of the U-Hauls and moving trucks and boxes. It was weird to say goodbye to Capitol Hill Crescent. I lived there for a long time and I spent so much time there in this pandemic all by myself. It was like my little sanctuary for so long. I actually felt a lot more sad than I imagined I would that day.
Emma and I went on a little mini vacation to the mountains. We ran the Highline Trail and did a half marathon on Goat Creek Trail. We got cocktails at Park Distillery and aggressively hit on our server. We took a bunch of mushrooms and hiked Cascade Amphitheatre and also just hung out in town laughing our asses off in the hot tub at the hotel and on Tunnel Mountain. I got a $346 distracted driving ticket in Canmore.
I got my second dose of the Moderna vaccine on June 16 and god damn, that vaccine had no mercy. It took me out. A few hours post vaccine, I slipped into what I call the Moderna coma. I slept all afternoon and when I woke up all disoriented, I checked my phone and had a text from Alex. I literally thought I was hallucinating. It had been almost two months of zero contact. I was feeling so much better about it all. The text was so classic. “Hey, this thing made me think of you. I hope you’re doing well, you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.” I……. replied. He said, “I hope you’re enjoying your new place!” I said, “how did you know I moved?” He said, “Hinge listed you as my most compatible, it thinks we should give this another shot.” I literally told him to stop fucking around and either ask for a second chance if that’s what he wanted or leave me alone. He literally said, “please don’t block me.” God, I cringe.
I went to Saskatoon to visit my family which was such a wonderful time. I don’t often get to visit Saskatoon in the summer. We had a bocce ball tournament on Dodo’s acreage, I went for a run with my cousins on Meewasin trail, I bought new running shoes at Brainsport. The weather was beautiful and I just felt so lucky and happy to have the family that I do.
I’m honestly getting bored of this storyline even though I lived it but once we were both back in the same city, I talked to him on the phone. He caved, this time. He told me he missed me, he regretted how things ended. Told me he’d been biking by the river around the same time and place he knows I like to go running in the hopes we might run into each other. Told me he had resorted to creeping my Strava account to see what I was up to because I had him blocked on Instagram. Told me he’d told his friends about me and they’d encouraged him to shoot hit shot for another chance. It was very validating to hear from him in that moment and honestly, it felt good. He asked me on a date. He kept referring to it as “first date… kinda nervous.” It felt surreal. I told all my friends and I could practically feel everyone putting their heads in their hands like ughhhhh noooooooo.
July
July was a wonderful month of lots of trail running and hiking. Summer slow pitch also started back up which was the best because it had been delayed through the spring due to the pandemic.
In the middle of July, I went back out to Waiparous for a weekend to play in Survivor Waiparous Season 2: Rally to Return. I was invited to play via Kendal, her girlfriend’s friends were the ones who organized it and had played the first season last summer. In earlier pandemic days, Kendal and I had bingewatched it all over YouTube and she told Kate I wanted to play and then I was in. I didn’t really know what to expect but I definitely underestimated the legitimacy of how hardcore Survivor would be. I pulled up with many boxes of beer in my trunk, imagining there was no way I’d make it all that far and I could probably just get drunk by the fire for most of the weekend. I was… incorrect. Survivor Waiparous was extremely legit. We had buffs, tribes, idols, challenges, immunity tokens, torches… people were backstabbing and conniving and allies and enemies. It was actually weird how totally immersed I became into the game. It was hard at night to like, stop thinking about it. It’s worth sharing as well that I made it aaaaalmost to the finale, so that might have something to do with it. It was also just a wonderful weekend, I met so many lovely people and had such a good time. The weather was perfect. I had no cell phone service for four days and it was truly like a once in a lifetime kind of experience that you just feel so lucky to be a part of.
At the end of the month, me and Alex finally ended things for good. What had happened after our little reunion in June was that we hung out twice and then he went away to BC for a climbing trip that was supposed to last ten days. At first, I was pleasantly surprised. He made a concentrated effort to FaceTime me and I felt like hey, he’s really trying. Then ten days extended to two weeks, then three… I was trying not to get frustrated but all the same old anxieties and dread came back. When he finally came back, I remember he called me and I didn’t even pick up the call. He called me again and I answered and he said, “I was worried for a second you were done with my shit.” I was kind of done with his shit by then. He told me some story about another girl and I couldn’t even bring myself to get jealous (extremely out of character pour moi). I remember telling Emma that I was pretty sure I needed to end it before we went on our trip in August because I didn’t want to have to worry about all of this while we were away. But it was, in the end, him who decided when that conversation would happen. I surprised myself because I didn’t even cry. I actually am really proud of how I handled that final conversation. I wasn’t mean, which I certainly can be when I’m defensive, but I stood up for myself. I made my boundaries clear. He was so shocked when I told him I’d block his number. I think he thought I was bluffing. I did block it, though, and I hooked up with someone else like… five hours after that conversation happened. And I have not spoken to or had any contact with him since. Which suggests to me that it was the right call. Goodbye and good riddance to you, sir.
HOWEVER, as a result of sleeping in my contact lenses after that 5-hours-post-breakup hookup, I got a corneal ulcer. It was so awful. I had to put in so many eyedrops and wear my glasses for like two weeks and go to the eye doctor like every three days. It ended up not being a big deal but I did have a literal hole in my cornea for a hot second there.
The last thing that happened in July was that Kendal returned back to Ottawa for her Master’s. It was an extremely sad moment and I burst into tears saying goodbye to her. She has been such an amazing friend and person through this pandemic, I truly don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it if it wasn’t for her and I will always be grateful when I look back on this time in both of our lives that we had eachother. I was happy for her to be able to go back to Ottawa to pursue her dreams and do all of her amazing stuff but that night at Ol’ Beautiful I cried and cried.
August
I was a little behind in the GVRAT at the beginning of August and so I was tasked with running/walking/hiking a 292km month in order to finish on time.
I spent ten days of August on the best fricking trip ever with Emma. We drove from Calgary to Squamish and then were staying at this hotel that doubled as a brewery. We obviously had to get beers upon our arrival, and some dude slid into my DMs on Instagram. We were in a #mood so we invited him and his friend to join us at the brewery and it unfolded into the most wild night even though Emma and I had driven twelve hours that day and gotten up at 4am. They took us to this cidery in Squamish and Caleb worked there so he got behind the bar and made us spicy margaritas. He took us to this bar called the Goat where we played Mario Kart and did tequila shots. We kept telling ourselves we just had to be back in bed by midnight in order to crush our planned trail run the next morning. I kissed Caleb next to the arcade games and we made plans to hang out again when Emma and I would return to Squamish the following week. I remember specifically being in the bathroom of this cidery and it was the kind of bar bathroom where people have written things all over the walls and I was obviously drunk so this is kind of cringe and cheesy to write but someone had written a message about being in the present moment and I just thought to myself I was so glad I didn’t have to fuck with Alex anymore and could just enjoy all of the random things that were unfolding and I was like wow it really took me like 3 weeks to get fully over that and it was a really really good feeling.
Plus we ACTUALLY DID THE TRAIL RUN THE NEXT DAY even though it nearly killed us. We spent the first 5km in a sweaty silence until one of us was like, “this sucks” “yeah.” But once we’d sweated out the margaritas, Garibaldi Lake was beyond gorgeous.
We spent the weekend in Tofino. We did a ton of mushrooms and went to the Tofino brewery and were so high and had no idea if the staff could tell or not (they probably could… they sat us at the couch table, after all). We ended up meeting some friends of Emma’s at a cocktail bar. We did more mushrooms and went back to our campsite to party on the beach. We found a full setup with a gas firepit and just decided to make it our own (mushroom ideas LOL), everyone sent Jordan and I to grab lawn chairs and propane and when we came back to the beach, the owners of the firepit had arrived. The guy introduced himself as “low rider J” and they were friendly but the vibe was not it so we kinda just did our own thing down the beach. We blasted Kygo and danced in the sand. These dudes from Ireland came over to hang out and the one guy was so drunk his friend had to take care of him and they were kind of hitting on Jordan and it was so, so funny. At the end of the night, it was clear that they thought we’d be hooking up with them but we did not do that and sent them in a taxi to their own campsite.
Lucas arrived in Tofino and we did many athletic things like running and biking and hiking. He pointed out constellations in the night sky and we ate salt and vinegar chips. It is so funny to think of how long I’ve known Lucas and how we were never really all that close until fairly recently. He tolerated 48 straight hours with me and Emma which is a feat so, good for you Lucas. I am happy to know you and to be your friend.
Emma and I spent a very dank night in Port Alberni on the way home. When we stopped in Squamish, we ran Panorama Ridge and then Caleb took us out for cocktails. It was the best kind of night, especially after you’ve crushed your number one bucket list trail run. He held my hand and we kept kissing at the bar and it was just like… hell yeah. He made me coffee in the morning and he put Kurt Vile on because he knew I liked him. I thought to myself how nice it was to spend time with someone, even if that time is so limited, who actually took care of you and wasn’t secretive about liking you. The two evenings I spent with Caleb showed me more dignity and respect than anything Alex ever did.
We departed Squamish and spent the last few days of our trip in Panorama with Emma’s parents and boyfriend. We played Exploding Kittens, drank prosecco, hiked Jumbo Pass and hung out in the hot tub. I finished my second GVRAT1000K. All in all – it was the best trip. Emma and I had so much fun, so many adventures, we laughed so hard and created so many memories.
September
We made a full return to the office in September and it was a wake up call and a half. I had to re-adapt to a) actually doing work, b) in-person appointments with clients, c) a fourty-hour work week and d) work apparel. I am much more productive when I’m in the office and the added social interaction infinitely improves my morale and my mood, so I am happy for the switch.
I was coasting off of a very high volume August and was probably in some of the best physical shape I’ve ever been in in my entire life at this point. I ran personal bests in my 5k, 10k, and half marathon. I ran a fricking 1:50 half marathon! Like, what?! I never in a million years would’ve thought that possible.
I also did a lot of dating in September. September was the first time I actually got to meet Bryan. I knew him (sort of) via Maddy because she’s dating his best friend. She had mentioned to him about my running the GVRAT1000K and Bryan followed me on Strava earlier in the year. We were just distant Strava pals until he messaged me at the end of August to say he was coming to town and could we go for a drink? I said yes, and while our first date was lots of fun I remember walking away from it thinking wow, he’s lovely, but he lives in Edmonton and I got more ~friend~ vibes anyway. Little did I know! I also met a few other great people in this time. I went on the most spectacular first date with a harm reduction paramedic where we drank by the river and then played We’re Not Really Strangers and he left me a note that I read in the morning. It didn’t work out with him for a number of reasons, which is fine, but I remember in that moment enjoying how much fun I was having just being confident in myself enough to date and be vulnerable and open with new people.
And in September I ran two races, the Castle Alpine Trail Race with Emma and Rie and the Calgary half-marathon. Both were highly emotional and happy experiences. I was terrified of the CAT but then suddenly I was on the course and I was having the time of my life. The adrenaline I felt when I realized I had reached the top of the ascent and could just enjoy flying down the hill to the finish line was unparalleled. And the Calgary marathon was an amazing experience too. To finally run an in-person race, to see my parents on the corner cheering me on and to run a 10k personal best in the middle of a half-marathon personal best… I felt on top of the world that day.
October
On Thanksgiving weekend, Emma and I ran the Grizzly ultramarathon in Canmore. 25 (well, more like 28)km each, and her parents and Rob came to watch and cheer us on. It was such a cool experience even though my legs were literally giving out on my second leg of the race. Canmore gifted us the most beautiful sunrise and the best weather for the race. Of course, we’ve signed up to do it again in 2022. These trail races get really addicting, honestly.
Following the Grizzly, I got super sick. I don’t know if it was like a post-ultra flu that then turned into something worse or what but I was out for an entire week of work which was terrible. I tested for COVID-19 twice because I had all the symptoms but it was negative both times. I literally spent a week almost entirely in bed. I know I put my body through a lot in these weeks but I have not been sick like that since early 2019, and even then it wasn’t this bad.
I was supposed to go to Ottawa to visit Kendal in October but then she contracted mono AND strep and thus my trip had to be cancelled. When my work learned I’d be in town instead of going to Ottawa on my trip dates, they asked me if I wanted to go to ASIST train-the-trainer. ASIST T4T is a five day intensive training program where they certify you to teach the ASIST method of responding to suicide to others. It’s been a dream and a big personal goal of mine to be an ASIST trainer since I got into working at the university so I said yes and got to spend a week in this course. It was really cool except for the fact that I got sexually harassed by the facilitator who used my personal cell phone number to send me inappropriate text messages late at night. And yes, I reported him to the Executive Director of the managing organization for ASIST in Alberta.
November
The first weekend in November, our slow pitch team got together to play in a “snow pitch” tournament out in Okotoks. What a mess but oh my god, so fun. Slow pitch has truly been one of the great joys of my last few years. I never expected to love it as much as I do, especially considering how bad I am. But to be out there on the diamond with my friends, blasting music and crushing beers and actually not sucking too bad… t’was so fun.
I then got sick again. Unsure if it was some kind of resurgence of the first sickness or an entirely new one but it took me out for another few days of work. I could literally see the infection on my tonsils. It was disgusting. Bryan was coming to town and we had planned a date that I was extremely excited for and I literally woke up with this infection all over my tonsils and was so frustrated about the timing I wanted to cry. I went to the walk-in clinic for antibiotics and admitted defeat. On Friday of that week, Bryan called me and made a last-minute proposal: I know you’re sick but I want to see you, come up to Canmore and spend the night here if you want, my brothers are here, we’re going to have some beers and play some games. I grabbed my penicillin and said SAY LESS and got in my car and blasted Message in a Bottle from the re-release of Taylor Swift’s RED album like 100 times and it was an incredible night and really the turning point in my relationship with Bryan because I felt like I was finally experiencing what it is like to date somebody who takes care of you. In the big ways like making sure you are comfortable and healthy and happy but in the small ways like giving you his jacket when you’re cold and making you coffee and just MAKING A GODDAMN EFFORT it was so attractive.
December
I can’t really think of what to write for December.
I’ve taken a little bit of a running hiatus which I think has actually been healthy for me. It’s interesting to see how the absence of stressors makes it easier for me to lay off the running a bit.
Work has slowed down quite a bit as it always does around exam season. It has been strange to navigate the anti-vaccination folks as part of my work. Just something that they never really could’ve predicted and therefore it’s hard to know how to deal with it so we’re all just kind of winging it. Like, yeah, honestly, they ARE kind of infringing upon your rights and freedoms but it’s for the greater good and also the vaccine isn’t going to kill you, you stupid idiots.
In Conclusion:
· While this year in review post seems to focus on the usual aspects of my life – boys and jobs and vacations and friends – we are still indeed living through a global pandemic that is having a profound effect on almost every aspect of our lives as we know it and will irreversibly shape the future. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too nonchalant when it comes to the pandemic. I wonder if I will look back on this post and think, really? That’s what I was so concerned about as this huge global event was taking place around me? But I also understand my avoidance of talking and thinking about the pandemic so much as a coping mechanism of sorts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m double (and soon to be triple) vaccinated, I mask up, I do the things. But ignorance is also bliss, and I think sometimes acknowledging the true impacts and threats of the pandemic to our lives is an overwhelming task. 2021 felt a bit more normal than 2020, I’ll give it that, but there are still so many unknowns.
· I achieved physical feats I never thought possible during this year and I owe it all to my own hard work and dedication. That feels very good to say. Falling in love with trail running and exploring the world of ultrarunning has really helped my confidence. These sports are not for the faint of heart. When my body shows me it is capable of these crazy ascents and races and being right there in it and the adrenaline is coursing through my veins, I feel so proud of myself.
· I got my heart broken this year. It sucked (but never as bad as the first one, of course). That was also a lesson… recognizing that you can pretty much get over anybody that you need to with the right attitude, time, patience, and having already been through a bad breakup. I also feel like I am mature enough to recognize the places where I messed up in this relationship and contributed to the dynamic. It’s not fair to say it is all his fault (it is… mostly his fault, though) and through being honest about those things, I have been more capable to be honest with people about what I want and to accept when they don’t want the same. I put myself out there a lot more with people than I used to and I am much more resilient to rejection.
· Aaaand I met Bryan this year which I really feel like is the universe being like okay, that last one was brutal… I think you’ve learned your lesson, here’s the person you’re actually supposed to be with. Go for it.
So, I think if I had to encapsulate 2021 into a lesson or a theme it would be the importance of asking for what you want and not being afraid of the consequences. Not just in romantic situations but with friendships, at your workplace, with your family. Not only does it force you to think about what it is you actually want out of your life but asking for it and getting it helps you realize that you actually deserve it. When I didn’t ask for what I wanted and went along with someone else’s needs, I got hurt. Even when I did ask for what I want and it didn’t work out, I was able to be proud of myself for going for it. We only have a limited time here in this world, don’t be shy about going after what you want and need.
2022:
There is much to look forward to in 2022. I am nervous about the challenges that a fifth wave and an in-person semester at the university will bring. I’m in a super healthy and happy relationship that also happens to be long distance… and I’m excited about where this is going to go but also recognizing this is new territory for me in a number of ways. I’ll find out if I have been accepted into graduate school and will potentially be starting, I get to see my best friend get married and be in the wedding party, I get to run Sinister fucking 7!!!!!, and I get to go watch World Athletics Championships for two weeks in July with my family. My brother will become a doctor (!) and will potentially have to move away for his residency… there’s lots to imagine and probably also so many things I can’t even begin to imagine. Such is life. :)
"Maybe we’re just born to love and worry about the people we know, and to go on loving and worrying even when there are more important things we should be doing. And if that means the human species is going to die out, isn’t it in a way a nice reason to die out, the nicest reason you can imagine? Because when we should have been reorganising the distribution of the world’s resources and transitioning collectively to a sustainable economic model, we were worrying about sex and friendship instead. Because we loved each other too much and found each other too interesting. And I love that about humanity, and in fact it’s the very reason I root for us to survive - because we are so stupid about each other."
There was majesty and grace in the pace of the swaying branches of the willows. There was kindness. Pain is not the only touchstone for growth, I said to myself.
— Ottessa Moshfegh, from My Year of Rest and Relaxation
